Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
