oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
