I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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