he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
