He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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