There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
