Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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