Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
