recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
