I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
