guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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