mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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