my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
