I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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