He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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