the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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