Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
