I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
