people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
