So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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