Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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