I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
