Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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