There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
