I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
