By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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