I can text with my tongue
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
