I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
