I am in a vortex of obligation.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
