I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize