I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
