Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
