ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
