I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Randomize
