you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
