we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
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Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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