"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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