i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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