White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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