wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I enjoy the company of your penis
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
