it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
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I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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