the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
