you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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