Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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