I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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