You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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