Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize