So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
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I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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