Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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