I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
