The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
