I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How external is "for external use only"?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
