It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
