Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
