If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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