There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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